The Temple of Serenity
“You must be on your guard against her; you must shun her example; if necessary, avoid her company, exclude her from your sports, and shut her from your converse. Teachers, you must watch her; keep your eyes on her movements, weigh well her words, scrutinize her actions, punish her body to save the soul; if, indeed, such salvation be possible, for… this girl is—a liar!” Jane Eyre
This time he asked me where he couldn’t slap me, and mostly as a joke I said ‘the bottom of my feet?’ And he asked about my face. I wanted him to slap my face and I wanted him to want to do it. And so we pinky promised consent and that I’d say stop if I hated it. And then he slapped me across the face, he held it in place with one hand and then he slapped me over and over again with the other. Holy shit, it was so fun. And then he pinched me, he pinched my arms and my inner legs and he pinched me with both hands and then we wrestled. And then it was over and I needed him so suddenly. I couldn’t sit close enough to him.
Transcendental souls get more done by doing the work without any desire for approval, just, you know, moving the energy out of stuckness into flow wherever it needs to happen. And the thing is, when someone sees that, that's what you're doing. That's someone on your wavelength. That's someone to add to your team. Whether it’s to have a special friendship with or to hook up with for a moment, or a night, or for life.
And now that I am not allowed to get in the face, or whatever, I have to like, feel pain in other ways. [Laughter.] Cause, thats the healthy way of dealing with it.
Wait wait wait, where did the rule come from that you’re not allowed to get hit in the face?
I don’t know… I just feel like, you know, whenever I bring it up in a therapeutic setting, people are like [long pause]“HUH???”
Like “oh you’re doing weird self harming, negative self esteem shit”
Well they think that. I think that youuuu maybe thought that? Maybe you didn’t?
Well you know its been a little bit of work for me to wrap myself around you know, your recent experiences, but I’ve found that my brain has been working on it because as I was reminding myself and seeing in my schedule that I was visiting with you today, my brain popped into it. You know, the way I would like to think about that.
Yeah
You’re such an intensely strong person. You have a considerable force field to you and the, you know, its pretty… rigid isn’t the word. But, oh, impermeable ? I mean you’re pretty tough. You’re a tough broad. But that is your presenting persona. You’re pretty rough. And actually, you kinda are. But I think for you, a way of my understanding this BDSM or call-it-what-you-will stuff.
AHH - I hate that. Don’t call it that.
That’s a package.
Don’t call it that!
Cause thats a brand, yeah.
That’s an identity and thats not me.
No. I see this as sort of like, burping baby.
Yes, thank you! That’s so… fucked. That’s its own brand, too. [Laughter]
Well it is to free up and to have a breakthrough!
Yes
In other words…
People take mushrooms and like, LSD, and like, whatever, ayahuasca, to like, achieve that same sort of feeling of you’re very very small and the universe is very very big. So, mine feels like the same.
But it is interesting.. you know I- I don’t know how high or low frequency it is but, as you have discovered, 99% of the people who you may acquaint with are going to have a reaction or think of it in a way you would wish they didn’t.
Yeah
Or in a way that doesn’t feel like you’ve been understood.
Right.
And I now see it as what you do - it’s like cracking knuckles. It is to free up possibilities and breakthrough from your usual character armor. It’s your very strong and organized personality and its to -and you talked about hallucinogens- they loosen up character armor too.
Totally.
And it just - let’s just let the wind blow through all the spaces in there.
You know how I squint, right? Like I’m always like
Oh sometimes, yeah. What’s up with that?
I’m gunna tell you what I think the truth is and then I’m gunna tell you what I tell people. I think I’m like… overstimulated. Constantly. I think that I can’t handle when things are loud and confusing and bright. [laughter]
And so this is, like, turning down the volume?
Yes, yes. And I think also I do see and feel things more intensely than other people. Maybe thats just my “special gift”… but I do it because I need to… when I do it, sound does turn down in my ears and the light does get less. AND AND - it is also a rejection of someone talking to me.
They think you’re irritated.
Thats right. And then what I tell people it is, it’s actually that I can’t see and that I don’t wear my glasses.
Oh thats very clever. Thats going to work!
Yeah, super works. And then when I wear my glasses and I do it, I just say “oh my prescriptions not right. I gotta go back to the eye doctor.”
What a great cover.
There are plenty of steps, just take them as they come. You'll never be overwhelmed if you do it that way. And then as far as the various transformations are concerned, there's a part of you that is afraid that if you take on power, you will become a monster. You've seen it happen with other people.
Oh my god, yeah.
And, at the same time, if you don't act from your own power, you can't stand your ground if somebody's trying to get away with something with you. So, taking on the persona of being strong, clear, and firm; that has to happen sometimes. And then the fear is that as you come more and more into your power, you'll scare off any potential partner and that makes you want to be a mouse and then you draw someone who beats you up. So, that has to be let go. With partners, sometimes you have to be tough. And sometimes you have to be open and vulnerable and sweet. But the one thing you have to look out for is wanting to be approved of or appreciated for the sacrifice you're making by being a martyr.
Somebody's gonna see you, and you're going to be scared to death. He's gonna want to spend his life with you, because he sees you. But he'll see you because that's what you're doing. And he'll go, oh my god, what a woman. And it won't be an act. It'll be who you really are. That's the scary part.
Yikes!
I know. I know. It's so hard. Okay, yeah. Well, I'm starting to think about it like a stage manager, right? Like you're not the star, you're just like, behind the scenes helping and then, you know, I am, like, comfortable with that idea.
There will be plenty of stories to tell about what goes on behind the stage.
Yes, that's where the real action is.
Yes. Whereas the story of being the diva onstage is always only one story, which is the tragic martyrdom.
And I think a long time ago I shut down this ability to see people’s energy in my subtle body because my dad - does what all dads do - which is be really scared for me being a woman in the world - and made sure - and bullied me into being really really small. And um, so I shut down all this gifts or abilities. And here’s the thing, I think it’s true. And now, then… I read internet articles “you might be manic if you think you have a super power” or “if you think you’re special in someway”. And I’m like… oh my god… am I manic? Or am I actually gifted? [laughter] So, anyway, its a very weird time right now. I think. Turning 33 is like… I dont know, I always thought my 30s would be pretty dope but now I think I’m either losing it for real real or I’m just accepting this stuff about me that was always true.
“That all seems very, very strange, I never craved a toaster or a color T.V.
A Latent Appliance Fetishist is a person who refuses to admit to his or herself that sexual gratification can only be achieved through the use of machines... get the picture?
Are you telling me I should come out of the closet now Mr. Ron?
No, my son! You must go into the closet
What?
And you will have
Heh?
Hey! A lot of fun! That's where they all live so if you want an appliance to love you you'll have to go in there 'N' get you one
Well... that seems simple enough...
Yes, but if you want a really good one you'll have to learn a foreign language...
German, for instance?
That's right... a lot of really cute ones come from over there! (Fifty bucks, please)
If you been Mod-O-fied, it's an illusion, and you're in between
Don't you be Tarot-fied, it's just a lot of nothin', so what can it mean?”
Okay, so here is a message about how you're afraid of your emotions. And you need to face them in your transition back to the world. And you need to flow with your emotions, just like seaweed flows with the currents and remains anchored and grounded. We feel, you can agree or not, that you have a lot of resentment towards people that you worked with, and also towards that man, you were seeing what was his name again, thank you, and feelings of betrayal that are unresolved feelings of not being supported. One of the reasons, since you're reacting to your family the way you did is: you need support. But they're demanding support from you, instead of offering any support for you. And you've been in such an unusual situation, you don't even know where to go, or how to tell the story, so that you can get the support that you need. It's, it's, a radioactive story, essentially, about what happened at work. So you can work through this sort of thing, for example, by writing or by having a best friend that you just pour it all out to, you do it in dribs and drabs in the check in. At least means you're getting some help. Because people are taking it in their understanding, they're sympathetic, and supportive. But you really, in order to go back into the world, you really need to look for where your supports are. This is especially true for sages. Because when they lose their sense of support, they're completely ungrounded. And they're like that bubble. The reason that they're like that is because they live so much for the sake of reflecting others. And to put on the roles that others praise them for, or take delight in or receive pleasure from, that when they strip away those people, they feel like no one. And yet, they just have a life purpose, too. And that is the core of who you are. And ultimately, it comes down to teaching stories. Not stories that are unresolved, but stories in which you have worked through whatever the issues were, to some kind of wisdom or understanding that you can pass on to others. Without an audience, for that story, the story never gets told, because you can't make it up inside.
It has to be told and told and retold to people who will hold space for you, which is especially the kind of support that sages need, until the wisdom emerges. And when the wisdom emerges, your inner sense of support shows up again. So that kind of timeout that you took was really necessary to recover from burnout. But there's another step. And the step is getting through the story to the wisdom.
